Make-up Addict (or, get naked when you get naked)

I’m reading an article that is making me sad. It asks the question:

Are you addicted to makeup?

Here’s the deal. I love makeup. I have entirely too much makeup in my bathroom drawer, much of it I haven’t ever used. When I walk into an Ulta store, I lose all control. All sense of responsibility. I need to buy everything. In a wide array of colors. Last time I was there, I bought 7 lip glosses. SEVEN. Granted, thanks to a special promo, those 7 were cheaper than buying 2 separately, but I digress.

Some of the findings in the article aren’t that surprising: 1 in 3 women won’t go out – even if only to drop off a kid at school – without makeup on, 6 in 10 wouldn’t go to work without makeup, etc. and I get that. But the statements that got to me were the ones dealing with relationships:

Over 33% felt their partner would not have been attracted to them if they hadn’t been wearing makeup when they met

14% get out of bed early to put on makeup before their significant other wakes up

The average woman waits 2.5 months before going makeup-less in front of her partner.

1 in 10 said they would never let their partner see them without a full face of makeup on.

WHAT?

This completely breaks my heart. First off, if someone is listed as “partner” or “significant other” I’m going to assume that also can be listed as “being intimate with.”

Translation – I’ll get naked with him, but I don’t want him to see my face.

Granted, I will admit that my personality is often probably a bit too laid back. My attitude may be a bit too cavalier when it comes to being accepted for how I look, as life happens and sometimes I just don’t have the time, the means or the desire to make sure I have perfectly lined eyes before the sun rises in the morning.

But the idea that someone would be willing to share not only a bed, but their body with someone who wouldn’t accept them without perfectly rosy cheeks and cinnamon colored lips seems tragic.

And after talking to several of my guy friends, I would guess most of these mates really don’t care if we wear makeup or not.

This could be an extreme way to continue the conversation, but I am concerned that if you’re making yourself hide your face from your mate – what else might you be trying to hide? If you’re not willing to share your face, your real skin, your true self, does that mean you aren’t sharing your true soul as well?

On the flip side, if your significant other is suggesting that makeup is required at all times, that you can’t just be who you are and how God made you, then maybe you need to find a new mate.

I am all about ritual. I get up in the morning, press a pot of coffee, read some Oswald, check Amazon’s deal of the day. This is a morning routine that I love. But if it’s a snowy Saturday and I have nowhere to be, it’s not a stressor if one of the three things didn’t happen. (except the coffee but that’s an entirely different addiction.)

By no means am I suggesting that makeup is bad or that we shouldn’t have pride and care about our appearance. Makeup does transform me and make me feel more confident and beautiful. But what would happen in our lives, our jobs, our relationships if we really just took off the masks, took off the makeup and got real.

A friend and I had a conversation over coffee a few years ago, and joked about how perhaps all our first dates needed to be in jeans, a t-shirt and no makeup. How different would our conversations be? Would our topics change? Would we get to the deep questions of life faster?

We would then, of course, follow up with a no-hold-barred-little-black-dress-and-5-inch-heels dinner invitation.

But maybe I need to look at my relationship with make-up, and make sure that I’m using it to enhance, not hide, who I am inside.

You can read the article here:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/are-you-addicted-to-makeup-2440356/#pollId-23F432FA202711E0A6BD80656B827333

Landon School Scandal….

It’s been a while since I was taken back by a news story.

In fact, I haven’t been watching the news. I check headlines, but lately that has become more of a rarity. Maybe because it’s summer and I just don’t want to deal with the world’s tough issues.

But thanks to a tweet, I ran across this story. Maureen Dowd’s Op Ed in the New York Times called Their Dangerous Swagger. You should read it –

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/opinion/09dowd.html

This was followed up by the Washington Examiner doing a story –

http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/local/Landon-School-scrambles-to-contain-_slampigs_-scandal-96098939.html

And the Washington Post

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/06/09/AR2010060905925.html

Freshman boys from an elite private boys school called Landon were caught playing a game, sort of like fantasy football, complete with a draft. But this game involved girls in their area and the game was all about sexual encounters. Points for the basics – first, second and third base, even extra points for kissing up to the parents. Money was on the line, sex parties where points could be gained were planned and at the end of the year, the young boy with the most points, won.

So girls were going to be under the impression these boys actually cared about them, actually liked them…but the honest truth was simply about the game.

From the Op-Ed:
“Landon is where the sons of many prominent members of the community are sent to learn “the code of character,” where “a Landon man” is part of a “true Brotherhood” and is known for his good word, respect and honesty. The school’s Web site boasts about the Landon Civility Code; boys are expected to “work together to eliminate all forms of disrespect” and “respect one another and our surroundings in our decorum, appearance, and interactions.’”

This story really took me back. How can kids in a prep school with a “Civility Code” believe it’s ok to turn the emotional and physical life of girls in their community into a game?

What’s going on in these kid’s homes?

I have to admit that I’m seeing the stereotype: raised by a nanny, mom and dad work all the time, instead of dealing with kids issues parents just give the kids some money and send them to a movie. I know this is a stereotype, and I know I’m projecting perhaps my own stereotypes, but I can’t help it.

How do these boys treat their mothers and sisters? And what kind of picture of respect for women is being shown by their fathers?

What I’m really concerned about might be quite a bit deeper. After working with human trafficking groups for the past few years, there seems to be a sad trend where males (I won’t call them men) think of the women outside their home strictly as objects. They forget that girls on the porn sites have fathers and brothers and probably didn’t choose to have the lives they are leading. This opens the door to thinking that sex trafficking and sex tourism is ok.

But as long as the girls aren’t in their family, it doesn’t matter. They are property. A commodity. Something to be used for their instant pleasure, eventually only a credit card number is required.

I’m sorry, but people and property should never be the same thing.

Is it just me, or is this story really disturbing?

If some of the best educated, most promising young teens in the country think that it’s ok to convince a girl to let them kiss her so they can get points is just flat out disgusting. As if teens girls don’t have enough emotional and body issues to deal with, now lets throw in not knowing if a boy likes you because your YOU or because he wants to score extra points for a sick game.

Plus, how will this effect these young boys in the long term? I can only hope and pray that they realized that women are a gift to be prized, not a pawn in a game.

I guess this is the point where I plead to my male friends to be good examples to the young men in their lives.

Please let them know that every one is precious. Every one is unique. And every one is worthy of protecting, supporting and building up. Only then can we truly have a strong, trusting beautiful relationships that were created on the basic of mutual respect as God intended.

the list

I’ve had a really amazing soul searching journey after my little blog about dating. More people read my blog than I thought! Some comments have been very positive. Some have seemed flat out confused. It hasn’t helped my dating life, not really surprised by that.

I want to first thank Josh Kidney for his great blog on the subject (read it here! It’s good stuff – http://joshkidney.blogspot.com), and Dave for his letter, posted yesterday…

First off, Josh, I do want you to know that I don’t think bad of all men, just a few that have inspired these blogs….it’s really just a few… In fact, I would like to thank you for striving to live your life well. It’s apparent in all you do, and I’m really excited to get to meet your wife soon. Dave’s email deserves it’s own blog.

So I’ve had many conversations over the past 2 weeks about dating, good guys vs bad guys, girl’s expectations, why girls are so complicated, etc., and it’s really caused me quite a bit of soul searching. (I’m thinking that either a job as a dating counselor or a book deal must be a next step….).

Josh – never underestimate the power of a guitar to woo girls. Also, I think you are right on with the adventure statement. I think honestly all women want the man who, without wavering, will slay the dragon for the good of the world – and more importantly – who will slay the dragon, just to protect, us.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I still have much soul searching to do.

A friend of mine has a knack for bringing Freedom to the table. She made a comment about individually giving up things to God – situations, people, feelings – so they can be completely off your plate. Considering just what things in your life still need to be redeemed.

I’m guessing part of my past blog might have stemmed from residual marks from past relationships still lingering in the back of my mind.

So I made a list. A list of men that I dated or hung out with or just flat out shouldn’t have even finished the first conversation with. For a few of you, I’d like to note this is not necessarily about sex. Lets keep it clean kids.

While driving late last Tuesday evening, I made a list mentally. I was honestly surprised by the number of names. Granted, I’m pushing 40, but subtract that I was married for several years. So figure, this is really based on 12 years of dating.

And then I made the list physically, via Sharpie on printer paper. In the kitchen, where all smart ideas happen.

While lying in bed several hours later, I remembered one more name…so the list migrated back to my room and I left it, with the sharpie, on the bed. For 4 days. A few more names were added to the list over that time. A few more memories and laughs about awkward dates, a few more scenerios for a future script.

One morning, the summer sun was blaring through my window and I rolled over to escape its rays…only to open my eyes to a list of names. It was a strange pause to realize that I had welcomed them all briefly back into my life, and into my bed, for a few days.

Following this moment, I was on a quest. I needed to know where each person was. Granted, I couldn’t remember some of the last names, and I am unsure of 2 of the first names. But the majority I could find. I added to the initial list a detail or two that seems to be defining their existence. Family. Work. Whatever little blerb I could discovered from 2 lines on a google search.

This whole thing has been amazingly refreshing. Many of these guys have had huge life changes. 2 have dabbled in mixed martial arts. Several have kids. Some seem lost, others –found. A few are believers. Most are not. One made a film. Many seem to be in the very same place I left them.

And I prayed for them. Each and every name. Specifically. For their lives, their families lives, their past and their future.

My heart is full. I hope their lives are full.

So along the drive through the vast breadbasket of Illinois, I found a substantial creek that was crossing inbetween an unidentifiable cornfield, and I put the list of names in the river. There’s potential symbolism here – Moses going down the water, redemption, baptism. I’ll vote for baptism. An acquaintance asked why I didn’t burn the list or rip it to pieces, but I told him that was an obvious guy violent statement. I don’t mean any harm. This is about redemption. Renewal. Revival.

So now, in my pact with the ladies to only date nice boys – no, men – from here on out…perhaps now I’m a nice girl too.

A letter from Dave…more dating talk….

My friends completely amaze me, daily. This is a letter I received from my friend Dave, re: my dating blog. I will respond in the next blog. It’s fantastic. I am humbled. Ladies – we need to start paying more attention. Dave – we just wrote you in a script…hope you don’t mind

So I give you my letter from Dave. (yes, he knows I’m putting it up on here)

I planned to send this a few nights ago, but felt that it might be too much of a rant. After reading your blog post, I was trying to figure out whether to sum it up in six words or six hundred. Guess which one you got.
So here we go…

Nice guys? We don’t exist.

We’re told that a woman wants a man who’s Wild at Heart, but who’s fluent in the Five Love Languages. If we have somehow come to any semblance of mastery of the two and have allowed God to do some selective surgery, we often become that guy who’s “just a friend, one of my dearest friends.” No guy wants to be that.

You’re right. The jerkier we are, the more women are drawn to us. It doesn’t make sense. Isn’t saving the bad boy God’s job anyway?

Return a call, say thank you, really pay attention – and then show it by doing something nice? You’re screwed. Actually, you’re not even close to getting that far, but that’s another story. Splurge on a world-class date just a little too early? She gets the idea that she has the upper hand and the fun is over, even if she only thinks that she has it. Don’t try to kiss her on the first date; she wonders why you didn’t want to or if you’re gay. Try to kiss her; she “isn’t that type of girl.” We can’t win, can we?

Some of us are already chairmen, doctors, lawyers – conservative, traditional, thought-of-as-heartless, life-loving Republicans many of us – who own our houses, and who pay more than idealistic lip service to the issues of community, justice, equality, and economic opportunity. We think that the church has abdicated its responsibility to the government in too many areas and are working to change that.

We develop community athletic programs, fund educational opportunities for missionaries, build churches, help buy buildings for youth centers, mentor students, and make significant relationships with other men for the purpose of growth, friendship and encouragement.

We love our families and our friends, and we show it. We visit our friends in jail, hire people who need work, and sometimes pay their bills when they get in a bind. We play hard. We pray hard – for our country, for our pastors, and to be in God’s flow – not just in His way.

We look for chances to say a word, to offer a smile or to buy someone’s groceries at just the right time. We enjoy the ‘hood where we’ve chosen to become a part of life. We look at people not as evangelism projects, but as humans. We’re beginning to “get” grace and in so doing, we understand that God works on us individually and in his time, and have become more forgiving and more patient, despite some accusing us of “losing our spiritual edge” when we’re slow to condemn others.

We’re misunderstood when we complain about the abuses of the welfare system, but would give another person anything he needed at the expense of something for ourselves. Many nights when things quiet down, we wonder if we’re trying to fit a round peg into a square hole because life doesn’t always turn out the way we expected.

We want a woman who will come along side, revel in being better together and still somehow let us be the man to whom she was attracted in the first place.

Oddly, despite what we think a woman should recognize as God’s work in our lives, we can’t shake her suspicion that time will reveal us to be “too good to be true.” We’re not overly quirky or just plain weird.

But nice guys can’t exist. Most women won’t believe that when God removes the asshole, He doesn’t take the testicles, too.

When you pray, ask God to show you who we are. We hide in plain sight and we’d ask you out in a minute, except that many of you are waiting for someone to show up at places we don’t go when we’re looking for you. Our bar-time isn’t for meeting women. It’s for whatever it is that guys do as guys. Even we’re not sure what that is.

We assume that God will deliver you to our doorstep since after all, if there is a perfect girl for us, God certainly wouldn’t have us not be introduced.

Aaah, the single life…

After returning from Ukraine, I came home to realize that several of my friends had broken up with guys, were planning to break up with guys, or just wanted to complain about guys. Maybe this is the post Spring fever that used to be in the air. The temps are getting warmer, and guys don’t want some committed girl hanging on their arm… Which may confirm my belief that humidity brings out the worst in us.

This created a wonderful discussion between Lynette and I…..why is it that wonderful, nice, smart, cute girls too often end up with jerks (ourselves included…)? The guy that I had been hanging out with disappeared while I was in Ukraine. The guy she had been hanging out with apparently couldn’t talk or think about anything but himself. So the single girls united and, once again, made a pact to date only nice guys from here on out.

And if my record holds true, I should be back dating a jerk in a few weeks.

So what gives?

Single ladies, I need some feedback. Why do we do this?

I’ve spent the day pondering this, and have come up with a few ideas about myself.

First – I rarely get asked out by nice guys. Yep, that could be a cop out, but its true. All the nice guys seem to be married or gay or are overly quirky or are just plain weird and too often live in their mom’s basement playing video games all day. Or maybe the nice normal guys just don’t ask girls out? Bad guys are more direct, and in my mind that might mean strength, determination, vision, direction—-all things I definitely want in a man. The asshole part, however, isn’t on my wish list.

Second – It could be the challenge. Perhaps its a game, but maybe I love the idea of taming the bad guy. Like my autobiography isn’t enough right now, I need to add in the chapter of being the strong woman in the background who, without wavering, converts the wild man into the loving husband who is a doctor or lawyer or chairman of the board…who also rescues kittens and serves in a soup kitchen on the weekends.

Third – Yeah, I don’t have a third.

So on my Ukrainian adventure, I traveled and got to work side by side with a few true men of God. Determined, strong leaders who seem to love God and people and who are seeking truth, justice and the American way. Granted, these guys were all younger than me, but that’s beside the point. These men exist. Somewhere.

Yesterday I was chatting with one of the girls who was a recent dating casualty. It was fully apparent that this change was for the better. Her mom, full of wisdom, said to her “You have been praying wrong for years. You shouldn’t be looking for (insert guy name here), you should be praying for a man who will help get you into Heaven.”

Paraphrasing the esteemed psychologist Steve Harvey: a loving God wouldn’t create the perfect man for you, and then have you never be introduced.

So single ladies – here’s my new challenge. Instead of hanging out online and in bars or seeking out the church in town with the best singles group, lets pray specifically for men who can enrich our faith. Men who are driven to be closer to the character of Christ. Men who can be, well, men in our relationships. And pray that we can figure out where to meet them. I’m guessing I might get a lot fewer free drinks this way, but whatever. I’m probably too much of a feminist to let that happen anyway…